Camping Is Fun?

Cub Scout Camp Out 2005- Lost In Space
Friday, May 11, 2005

5:30pm Drop off Miko with my mom.

5:35pm Pull out of my parents driveway.

5:36pm Receive a phone call from my dad pleading with us to stop by the True Value store and pick up a pack of D batteries and two little propane tanks for the cook stove. Let me rephrase that...Receive a phone call from my dad INSTRUCTING us with absolutely no polite requesting anywhere in the demand to blah blah blah batteries and blah blah blah propane. Blah.

5:38pm Snap the cell phone shut and proceed to curse at the ever descending sunlight.

5:55pm Roy arrives back at the car with above mentioned items and two bags of burnt peanuts. We depart True Value.

5:56pm We get lost. JUST KIDDING. That was later.

6:10pm Okay NOW we get lost. Long curvy road WHAT? Stop sign WHERE? Bridge? Fork in the road? Where the FREAK are we?

6:15pm Pass the sign that says Camp Perry.

6:15 and half pm Turn around and go back to the sign that says Camp Perry.

6:16pm Enter campsite and observe my dad standing next to a small wagon, waving us down.

6:18pm Unload contents of van into wagon and begin the trek to the designated ARMADILLO campsite of Pack 899.

6:21pm Enter Armadillo Campsite and critically survey layout. Pick furthest empty spot close to dense shrubs and begin camp set up.

6:22pm Marvel over certain aspects of the new tent. Stand to one side and pretend to be busy while husband and father assemble tent. Wish it was lights out and wonder how easy it is to get it on in a tent surrounded by Cub Scouts.

6:23pm Begin to realize that this will not be a romantic interlude. Wonder what the hell I'm doing here.

6:45pm Light is nearly gone. Cub Scouts are running through camp like wild animals. Wild animals on crack. Cristian runs by with a primitive staff raised in one hand shouting..."TO THE HIDEOUT! TO THE HIDEOUT!" Others follow. I squint in the dark. The brush has swallowed the children.

7:00pm We are informed by my dad that in addition to forgetting the propane and batteries, he also did not pick up certain materials for breakfast and we are given vague directions scratched into the dirt with a discarded branch as to where the closest grocery store might be. If its still open.

7:01pm We walk back out the the van grumbling.

7:05pm We happily realize that the directions were not half bad and we make it to the indicated grocery store. However, IT IS CLOSED. We head out searching for another store close by.

7:15pm WE. ARE. LOST.

7:20pm My dad calls to additionally request a bar of soap.

7:25pm I call my mom bitching about how inconsiderate and irresponsible my father is and that my entire night is ruined because we are hopelessly lost and we don't have any of the stuff we were supposed to get and it's dark and we don't know where we are and we just passed over the haunted bridge in Rio Hondo TWICE and dad is totally unreasonable and he won't even care that we're lost and DID I MENTION THAT MY NIGHT IS RUINED?!

7:26pm Roy and I start fighting.

7:27pm The lights of a small conveniant store can be seen dimly in the darkness.

7:28pm After initally passing the store, Roy pulls into the parking lot. I jump out before the van has stopped and fire a snotty remark in his direction and huff into the dingy little Mom and Pop store.

7:33pm I begin piling my entire load onto the small chipped counter in disbelief. They had EVERYTHING we needed. 4 dozen eggs, a pack of bacon, a pack of chorizo, 3 packs of tortillas, one case of cokes, cooking oil, AND A GOSH-DARNED BAR OF ZEST.
And TWO BAGS OF ICE. YEEHAW!

7:40pm Begin loading up the van. Roy and I are still fighting.

7:58pm Arrive back at campsite. Unload bags and dump them in front of my dad's tent. Walk past the campfire trying to conceal my scowl.

8:00pm Enter tent and sulk. Receive phone call from my dad asking where I am, to which I respond..."IN MY TENT BEING MAD."

8:05pm The sound of 20 small boys singing Oh Susannah is nearly more than I can bare.

8:06pm Make up with Roy. Join the festivities. Eat some pogie-bait since we missed the HOT DOG DINNER.

8:45pm Step in a still gooey marshmallow. Walk around with a clump of marshmallowed dirt stuck to the bottom of my tennis shoe.

9:00pm Check out my dad's tent. Make note of the following objects which are contained within the SIX MAN TENT which is only used by ONE MAN and a small boy.

1 Rug laid out on the "doorstep"
2 Cots
1 Large area rug laid out between the cots
2 Small braided rugs set out beside each cot
2 Small wooden "end tables" next to each cot
1 Heater
1 TV with VCR and remote
1 Copy of the movie Signs

YOU CALL THAT CAMPING OUT?! WTF?!
Re-name my dad, The General...and Cris, his Assistant.

9:59pm Roy takes two Sominex and curls up in sleeping bag.

10:00pm-6:00am Toss and turn. Adjust ribs, move legs, pull up sleeping bag zipper, peek at Roy, flip-flop, endure pins and needles in dead leg, check to see if I am even ON THE DAMN SLEEPING MAT which is only 1/2" thick ANYWAY, fall asleep, wake up to another DEAD LEG, grab dead leg and stifle own screams as blood returns, stare up at the top of the tent, waggle feet back and forth, roll over, lay awake wide eyed and horribly uncomfortable.

6:01am Cub Scouts are starting to arise one by one and can be heard rushing past the tent and clomping through the camp shouting and squealing.
Like spawns of Satan.

7:00am Make bacon and egg and chorizo and egg tacos to feed all Scouts in Pack 899 and their sleepy eyed parents.

9:00am-9:30am Sit outside dad's tent with Roy and enjoy the morning breeze.

9:31am Hear the following sounds from inside the tent...
VRRRRR
VRRRRRRM
VRRRRRRRRRRM
VRRRRR

9:32am Note wagon sitting just outside of tent includes a box specifying its most recent occupant was a FREAKING VACCUUM. Realize my dad is VACCUUMING THE INSIDE OF HIS TENT WITH A FREAKING VACCUUM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE "WILDERNESS".

Laugh my fucking ass off.