The Death Of Gerber

Miko recently moved over to table food and our lives will never be the same again. Not to mention he gets the WORST garlic breath. If I thought the kid had a voracious appetite on mashed peas and pureed chicken, I had no idea what the taste of chopped up scrambled egg with a dash of ketchup would do to him. No longer am I able to nibble a snack anywhere near him anymore without a harsh reprimand in the form of squawks and grunts. There are some things that he just WILL NOT tolerate.
Now going out to eat takes on a whole new meaning as we alternate between shoving food in our own mouths and shoving food into his because HEAVEN FORBID we should take more than the allotted TWO SECONDS to refill his spoon with the joys of table goodness. That infraction is worth the death sentence. A slow death. Subjected to indignant squawks and outrage. Thou shall not take more than TWO SECONDS to refill the spoon. Got that?
And thanks to the good people over at Baby Angels Daycare, Miko is nearly completely weaned off of formula AND his pacifier AND his bottle. Who needs that shit when he can gnaw on a tortilla, after all. And gnaw he does. All he has in his mouth are two tiny chiclet sized teeth and two protruding white impending fangs and one fat and merciless tongue and that kid can devour nearly anything you put in front of him. Now that’s talent. Just don’t give him Cheerios, OR PEAS, unless you plan to feed them to him one by one because he can’t quite manage the task of getting his fat little hand to delicately insert the tiny O into his gaping mouth. It falls back out EVERY TIME. And this angers him. Greatly.
So thank you Baby Angels Daycare. Thank you for pointing out that he’s a mite too big for the sleepsuits I keep cramming him in. Thank you for denying me the joys of securing his mouth with a pacifier so that he is NOT SO INCLINED to stick his tongue in a wall socket. And thank you most of freaking all for allowing him to savor the heavenly taste of fideo con carne, and destroying my life forever. Can’t he just stay 9 months for all eternity? Couldn’t you JUST LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE?
May he load his diaper in abundance for you.
Jerks.