Since turning one, a couple of months ago, Miko has undertaken new objectives in his quest for toddlerhood. Where he used to be just a fat lump of cheeks and drool, he is now a teetering Godzilla, lumbering around the baby room like a menace.
In his journey towards total world domination, he has learned the following things:
1. Kissy.
2. Wave bye-bye.
3. Act like the Spawn Of Lucifer.
It wasn't just the ear infection, folks.
The first thing is funny. No, not funny. Grossly hysterical. He's an open-mouth kisser. There's no proper lip-pucker here. Who cares if he's kissing his mother? He gives it French-style, baby. And I swear he didn't learn this from me. He'll be across the room, on his way towards the destruction of fine things when I call out..."Miko! Give Momma kissssssssssssy!"
He comes about as close to a gallop as he's going to get. After all, he does kind of walk like he's a penguin. Arms outstretched, moist and glistening mouth wide open, he throws his arms around my neck and......licks me. Yes. He licks me. Thats his version of a kiss. If he could, he would lick my mouth but I always manage to turn my face just in time. He either gets my eye or my cheek. Either way I'm grossed out. And I know I shouldn't be but its just that...he has sticky drool.
It must be the Honey Nut Cheerios.
The second thing took him a while to master. He spent months 10-12 simply extending his arms out in front of him and intently watching his own hands pivot back and forth, side to side. It seemed that this would be enough to satisfy all of his handmaidens at daycare who gathered around and cooed at him to "wave bye-bye". Hell, it was good enough for me. In fact, it cracked my ass up. But those women are never satisfied. They weren't satisfied when they disposed of his bottle at 11 months, they weren't satisfied when they tossed out my Gerber and replaced it with papas con carne, and not even when they implored me to buy larger sleepsuits (THEY DON'T MAKE 'EM THAT BIG, BITCHES) were they ever, EVER satisfied. First they replaced his crib with a nap mat and now THIS. Waving bye-bye. Not just waving to himself, but waving to others.
It's a cruel world when your penguin baby grows up. A damn cruel world.
The last thing and perhaps the most important when training to be the Destroyer Of Peace And Harmony, is his newfound ability to completely humiliate me in public. Oh tiny child of my womb, when did you become so foul?! When did your soft squalls of discontent turn into blustery fits of rage? When we go out to eat I feel like I'm playing that shell game, hiding sharp objects and scorching hot food underneath napkins and behind candles and offering benign crackers which are swiftly met with the fist of his wrath and plunged to the floor in a fiery shower of malevolence. He also likes to insist on being let out of his stroller during shopping trips and if I have not secured him in a DURABLE stroller with stout wheels and a wide seat, he will win. Screw those umbrella strollers because this kid will have one of those things HEAVING with the force of his agitation. What I am trying to say is that he quite literally throws his body forward and sideways with such force that the stroller jumps.
And did I mention the screaming? He screams like a GIRL, for craps sake.
I'm sure being the younger brother to The Baby Who Could Do No Wrong is daunting. Cristian was angelic. A good shopper, a quiet eater, a friendly acquaintance and all that other stuff that you dream your baby will be. Heck...I'd hate to follow an act like Cristian's but you only get lucky once, from what I understand. Thems the breaks, kid. Miko is still my gift from Heaven, he's just a bit more challenging. I refuse to be bullied by him, so I can see we will butt heads much more in the future. In the meantime if you're ever out somewhere and you hear the enraged shrieks of a baby penguin...give not your scorn to his mother. Give her your pity.
And anything edible you might have on you that she can shove in his mouth.
That works too.
In his journey towards total world domination, he has learned the following things:
1. Kissy.
2. Wave bye-bye.
3. Act like the Spawn Of Lucifer.
It wasn't just the ear infection, folks.
The first thing is funny. No, not funny. Grossly hysterical. He's an open-mouth kisser. There's no proper lip-pucker here. Who cares if he's kissing his mother? He gives it French-style, baby. And I swear he didn't learn this from me. He'll be across the room, on his way towards the destruction of fine things when I call out..."Miko! Give Momma kissssssssssssy!"
He comes about as close to a gallop as he's going to get. After all, he does kind of walk like he's a penguin. Arms outstretched, moist and glistening mouth wide open, he throws his arms around my neck and......licks me. Yes. He licks me. Thats his version of a kiss. If he could, he would lick my mouth but I always manage to turn my face just in time. He either gets my eye or my cheek. Either way I'm grossed out. And I know I shouldn't be but its just that...he has sticky drool.
It must be the Honey Nut Cheerios.
The second thing took him a while to master. He spent months 10-12 simply extending his arms out in front of him and intently watching his own hands pivot back and forth, side to side. It seemed that this would be enough to satisfy all of his handmaidens at daycare who gathered around and cooed at him to "wave bye-bye". Hell, it was good enough for me. In fact, it cracked my ass up. But those women are never satisfied. They weren't satisfied when they disposed of his bottle at 11 months, they weren't satisfied when they tossed out my Gerber and replaced it with papas con carne, and not even when they implored me to buy larger sleepsuits (THEY DON'T MAKE 'EM THAT BIG, BITCHES) were they ever, EVER satisfied. First they replaced his crib with a nap mat and now THIS. Waving bye-bye. Not just waving to himself, but waving to others.
It's a cruel world when your penguin baby grows up. A damn cruel world.
The last thing and perhaps the most important when training to be the Destroyer Of Peace And Harmony, is his newfound ability to completely humiliate me in public. Oh tiny child of my womb, when did you become so foul?! When did your soft squalls of discontent turn into blustery fits of rage? When we go out to eat I feel like I'm playing that shell game, hiding sharp objects and scorching hot food underneath napkins and behind candles and offering benign crackers which are swiftly met with the fist of his wrath and plunged to the floor in a fiery shower of malevolence. He also likes to insist on being let out of his stroller during shopping trips and if I have not secured him in a DURABLE stroller with stout wheels and a wide seat, he will win. Screw those umbrella strollers because this kid will have one of those things HEAVING with the force of his agitation. What I am trying to say is that he quite literally throws his body forward and sideways with such force that the stroller jumps.
And did I mention the screaming? He screams like a GIRL, for craps sake.
I'm sure being the younger brother to The Baby Who Could Do No Wrong is daunting. Cristian was angelic. A good shopper, a quiet eater, a friendly acquaintance and all that other stuff that you dream your baby will be. Heck...I'd hate to follow an act like Cristian's but you only get lucky once, from what I understand. Thems the breaks, kid. Miko is still my gift from Heaven, he's just a bit more challenging. I refuse to be bullied by him, so I can see we will butt heads much more in the future. In the meantime if you're ever out somewhere and you hear the enraged shrieks of a baby penguin...give not your scorn to his mother. Give her your pity.
And anything edible you might have on you that she can shove in his mouth.
That works too.
THOSE AREN'T TEETH. THEY'RE CHICLETS.
8 comments:
pity indeed
No way, I'm clucky as hell. Look at those big beautiful eyes.
awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
that is one cute MOFO ;)
thats pretty hot that he gives you the french kisses, he is just practicing for later in life when he learns how to be a PIMP from cristian.
I have to admit that as a childfree couple, Nina and I have sat in many a restaurant and walked many a grocery with squawking kids and whispered, "Jesus, get that fucking kid out of here. Who the fuck let parents think they could rejoin our ranks?"
Sorry.
yes, yes, learn young ruler of the underworld. study, observe, familiarize yourself with these mere mortals. all the better for your dark day of reckoning!
LMFAO ROBERT!
Mike- I too get irritated. Trust me. If necessary, I exit. Besides, I don't want to beat his ass in public.
I KID! I KID!
so cute...
shhh... what's that sound? oh. thought my biological clock was ticking, but i was wrong.
*crickets chirping*
Manan- He will learn.
Big Heavy- Pity me!
Grace- DO it. DO it.
Pix- He's just cute because you've never heard him squawking.
Yoj- Thanks!
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