A Letter To Lack's

Dear Lack's Fine Furniture Gallery:

Hi! I am a former customer of yours. I am writing to you from the comfortable soft leather seat of my brand new living room set from Sofa Mart. Why Sofa Mart? Well, I suppose that its high time I tell you exactly why I no longer shop at Lack's. Now that I have moved out of my former household and into a completely different town. This incident happened about four years ago while I was a single mother, living alone with my 4 year old son. We were set to receive a new bedroom set for aforementioned son. Bunk beds, a dresser, and a nightstand. How excited were we! We waited all day for your truck to arrive. I know you are sadistic like that. You like to give no specific times, save an 8 hour range, which forces your customer to remain in their home like a prisoner until you arrive a good two hours past the cap on your time frame. But wait we did. When we finally saw the truck pull up, we rushed to the front door. Our furniture was there, oh yes, but so were two of the scariest, ugliest, dirtiest, surly, hulking, uncommunicative delivery personel that I have ever encountered. They appeared as though they had just been released from prison. On charges of assault, rape and murder. Of course they spent a good deal of time looking around my small home and scaring the shit out of me while they moved in my new furniture and assembled it. It took them a long time to screw those darn knobs onto the dresser. Finally...as my small son and I cowered in the living room like hostages, their work seemed to be completed. Except for one small detail. One of these guys needed to use my restroom. Gracious and terrified, I pointed it out. He spent the next 15 minutes fouling it beyond my imagination. Yes, you heard me. He took a massive and horrific SHIT in my restroom. Your delivery guy. The convict. Meanwhile, my four year old decided that he TOO needed to use the restroom so I waited outside sweating and nervous and terribly fearful. When your delivery person finally emerged, he was enveloped by a cloud of filth that was nearly too much for me to bear. The thought of my small son's tender bottom sitting on the same seat was enough to make me want to vomit. After seeing your convicts to the door and locking it soundly behind them, my son and I ventured into the restroom, Lysol in hand. I scrubbed and sprayed and gagged. Finally just when I thought I could contain my vomit no longer, the toilet seemed clean enough to use. I allowed my son to enter and go about his business while I removed my latex gloves and continued to scrub my hands with disinfectant. I was so disgusted. It felt as though my home had been violated. Oh sweet clean toilet, how I ached for your lost innocence! I never called to complain about this incident because I feared the repurcussions. I was scared to death of your thugs returning for vengeance. But I am no longer scared of the cretins you employ. I no longer shop with you. Instead I purchased a new living room set from Sofa Mart. My furniture was delivered a week ahead of schedule by two young and friendly guys within the TWO HOUR timeframe estimated. I am beside myself with happiness! I am so thankful that I will never again have to purchase another piece of furniture from one of your establishments and have it delivered by one of your sick, fucked up, mentally unstable, shit-takers. Never again will I suffer through an hour's worth of knob adjusting whilst my toilet is assaulted by the ass of a primitive sub-human. Yes indeed, doing business with you was truly an eye-opening experience. May the shit of a thousand asses rain down upon you like a biblical plague. I love Sofa Mart!

Signed:
A former customer.