Candy Eating For Dummies

I just noticed that my Hershey's Bar With Almonds now comes with directions. What? OF COURSE I'M NOT EATING A CHOCOLATE BAR THIS EARLY IN THE MORNING WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM?? A P.M.S.ing CHOCOLATE MANIAC?! On that count, of course you would be correct. ANYWAY. My chocolate bar....HOLY SHIT MY CHOCOLATE BAR JUST DISAPPEARED WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY CHOCOLATE BAR WITH ALMONDS WHAT VILE THIEF HAS STOLEN MY CHOCOLATEY GOODNESS BESTOWED UPON ME FROM THE MAKERS OF HERSHEYS AND THE PEOPLE AT THE VENDING MACHINE COMPANY WHAT HAST THOU DONE?! Oh. I already finished it? Damn. That was a tiny chocolate bar. Okay so there was a little circle on the wrapper that said "Hold Here" and a little triangle that said "Lift And Pull Here" and I'm thinking...first of all...why do I need directions when I can just tear at the packaging with my teeth making the chocolate that much closer to my mouth and its inevitable consumption? And second of all...why don't they put directions on those cheese pouches that accompany my uncooked boxed macaroni of an undisclosed brand?
Cuz THOSE are the motherfuckers I can never get open.
I'm just saying...