The Epidural

This is the part where I talk about child birth.  Brace yourself.  At this time I will be discussing the birth of Peepers but I will also reference Cristians birth as well.  At 8mos it was estimated that Peepers already weighed in at over 8lbs SO it was suggested to me that I may want to induce labor before he went from gigantic sized to monstrous sized.  I agreed that this would be a good idea.  a week later (3 weeks before my due date) I went into the hospital for induction.  I knew what to expect because Cristians labor was also induced but only because he was overdue (Cris weighed in at 8lbs7oz).  At that time labor progressed quite rapidly and there was no time for an epidural to be administered.  but as I recall (and most mothers like to recall these things as often as possible and to anyone who will listen) labor was fairly simple.  but I should have known Peepers would be different.  now keep in mind that the subject of an epidural can create quite a stir in conversation amongst mothers who have experienced vaginal birth.  (this excludes those c-section wimps!)  Those who had one...ALWAYS recommend it and those who didn't, always act like its because they were more tough (kinda like how I think I'm tough for not having a C-section).  so when you become pregnant there are several questions you begin to answer on an almost daily basis.  1.  Boy or girl?  (followed by) 2.  Is that what you wanted?  (then) 3.  How far along are you? (and) 4.  are you having an Epidural?  and again...those who have had the 'ever glorious epidural' always gush about how fantastic it is and how they practically slept through labor and those who didn't have the 'cheaters way out epidural' always say..."I didn't have one and it was no big deal."  SO having once been a part of the "non-epidural havin' gang", I was loathe to give up that 'toughness' which was rightfully mine.  but nevertheless when Peepers came along I quickly decided that I didn't give a flying fuck about being tough...I wanted a goddamn epidural.  (have mercy)  the anesthesiologist was called in and finally arrived just when I thought I couldn't take anymore...I had decided they were going to have to cut me and take him out and thats all there was to it.  and now here's the interesting part.  This guy in the light blue scrubs with the big fucking needle and half a roll of tape and a sinister looking cart full of shiny, evil instruments began to explain to me the PROCESS of the epidural (as if I cared at that particular moment).  I was told that it would take away ALL the pain and that I would just feel ALOT of pressure...But that the pressure was absolutely NOT pain.  Well excuse the fuck outta me but I calls 'em as I sees 'em and if the PRESSURE feels like PAIN than that's what it fucking is.  right?  nonono, I was reassured...the PRESSURE was not PAIN even though the PRESSURE was pretty fucking EXCRUCIATING.  So thankfully Peepers popped out (8lbs5oz) fairly quickly because the PRESSURE felt like a goddamn ton of bricks coming out my ass.  and to add insult to injury, it took 3 full days for my legs to go back to normal.  the left leg lagged about a day behind the right one and I walked like a gimp for approximately a week.  and when I say this I mean my legs were almost completely numb for one full day and just plain useless for the next two days.  add that to the fact that having an epidural means that although you can feel a SHITLOAD of PRESSURE you cant feel much else...therefore focusing your pushing becomes almost impossible.  I didn't know what I was pushing out but I figured as long as I pushed like a mo-fo then SOMETHING would come out...and after all...at that point thats all I could hope for.  Unfortunately Peepers came out bearing the gifts of hemorrhoids because of this.  and NOBODY should ever have anything like that come out of their ass.  its absolutely inhumane.  so if you ask me NOW about an epidural...thanks but no thanks.  I would rather suffer the unimaginable pain of natural childbirth than pretend that all that PRESSURE is just a figment of my imagination.