The Food Factor

I enjoy food. and I'm usually not even gluttonous about it. usually. I'm also pretty picky about food. I would starve and die if I was ever required to live on a deserted island and survive on insects and uncooked, indigenous wildlife....like lizards, for instance. I won't eat that and I think its abhorrent that shows like Fear Factor celebrate the consumption of Things That Should Not Be Eaten. like the raw 'nads of a bull. or slugs. or roaches. I rank that shit right at number one on my Sick Shit List. so now that we have established that I have limits...I can now discuss the things that I do eat...and with great pleasure. I love my food. I treat it kindly. with care. with compassion. if I am nibbling on a snack like say....a Little Debbie Star Crunch...I admire my food as I'm eating it. I look for the best spot for my next bite. perhaps turning the Star Crunch around a few times to find that spot. the Shangri-La of the Star Crunch, so to speak. the most inviting place to sink my teeth next. and I have this annoying habit of continuing to eat something that does not taste good. like this morning. I was eating a bean and egg taco for breakfast and it didn't taste good. but I kept taking a bite. and another bite. and another bite. and I think I was trying to convince myself that it might start tasting better towards the middle...or maybe if I just tore off some of the excess tortilla...or maybe if I bit it at the other end...yes...maybe all the good flavor was waiting for me at the other end...and before I knew it...I'd nearly eaten the entire thing. and now my stomach hurts and I feel gross. I have methods to eating things too. for instance...I used to try to save the best for last. eat the stuff on my plate that doesnt taste too good first and THEN savor the yummy stuff. but I recognize that it is hard to enjoy the yummy stuff when youre too freaking full. and I somewhat blame my mom for this because as a kid I was always required to eat EVERYTHING on my plate. and when youre growing up in a house full of large Norwegian white women...youre plate has a tendency to be piled up with heavy foods like potatoes and gravies and cream sauces....and bacon and beef and breads...without your consent. but I digress. now I have learned to eat what I like first. in an attempt to limit my consumption. aaah. but occasionally my plate will be filled with ALL things that I like. like when I get the chopped steak at Lubys with grilled veggies and mashed potatoes. well then I have to take a bite of each in rotation so as not to run out of any one thing first. or when my mother-in-law makes calabasa con pollo and homemade tortillas and I have to gauge my serving exactly so that I don't run out of tortilla before I run out of calabasa con pollo. cuz theres nothing worse then breaking into a new tortilla and having 3/4 of it left. I mean...tortillas are fattening and you cant just eat them for the sake of eating them! you have to have a good reason to eat them! like....sopping up calabasa con pollo. there are certain things that I like to eat at certain times...call them food traditions. at the movies....I like a big salty crispy pickle with hot salty buttery popcorn. shit...sometimes I'll see a movie just to eat that! or at Thanksgiving...I don't feel complete if my mother does not provide me with the following...turkey (naturally), mashed potatoes (naturally), stuffing (naturally), gravy (I dont have to say naturally anymore, do I?), homemade cranberry sauce, scalloped corn, green bean casserole, and fresh homemade rolls. all of the above must be represented on my plate or I feel cheated. and occasionally I have had a Thanksgiving meal at someone elses house...and those are just weird. they serve stuff like....mashed potatoes with no gravy...or macaroni salad with crab meat...or plain corn! or tamales, for the Love Of God! and while I like to eat these things at any other time...I find it somewhat sacrilegious to offer the God of My Stomach such things on a day as Holy as Thanksgiving. anyway...its like always having ham on Easter. or cake on your birthday. or nachos at a ballgame. some traditions should not be messed with. so please keep this in mind at your next meal. make sure that your foods are sitting next to complimentary foods and you are not sitting something with ketchup next to something with cheese (gross!) but go ahead and put your white rice next to your pepper beef...or put your pepper beef on TOP of your white rice! the sky is really the limit. enjoy your food. love your food. cherish your food. and remember...there are starving kids in Africa who would just LOVE a bite of that nasty onion-laden liver....so have respect for your food. give it props. and dont abuse it because one day the bastards at Fear Factor will PAY for what they have done. they will PAY!