The Birthday Party From Hell

I lost my mind last night. I freaking lost my mind. We were supposed to have a nice, simple evening for Cristians birthday. He wanted to go to Peter Piper Pizza with his best friend Jerry and that was all he wanted. and all I had to do was get him there. how in the name of all thats crappy did I screw it up? I relied on my mother. the woman whose mind works like some sort of twisted cyclone....sucking in information and spitting it back out in some unrecognizable, mangled form. since she lives in the same town as the babysitter, I asked her if she would be so kind as to pick up the boys and bring them to the house so that we could light the candles and wait there for Jerry's mom to drop him off. so simple. so unbelievably simple. 6:30 was the target time. at 6:32 I receive a call. its her. and she is demanding to know why I am not at Peter Piper Pizza yet as she and my dad and the boys have been waiting inside for us. and furthermore hurry up and get here. and I respond..."what are you doing at Peter Piper Pizza?! you are supposed to be here! at the house! I specifically told you this!" to which she responds..."no you didn't. you told me to come here so I am not leaving." to which I respond..."THE CAKE IS HERE! JERRY IS NOT HERE YET! I CAN'T (click.)...." Holy Sweet Mother Mary, Queen Of The Universe, I lost my mind. I tried calling her back. she wouldnt answer. I tried calling my dad. he wouldnt answer. I called my sister who answered the phone..."whats up, bitch." I pleaded my case. demanded that she force them all into the car and get to the house....she said..."shit, bitch. how am I supposed to do that?!" I'm nearly hysterical. why, I don't really know because Roy calmly tells me...just call Jerry's mom and have her drop him at Peter Piper Pizza. "but the CAKE!" okay. okay. at 6:36 I call Jerry's mom. who hasnt even left her house yet. but no matter...I'm already way too insane to be incited further by this fact. she agrees to bring Jerry to Peter Freaking Piper Pizza. We exit the house. I call my sister. I tell her that we are on our way...she responds...."bitch, I already got everyone in the car and mom says she isnt getting back out!" I hiss back..."you TELL HER THIS IS ALL HER FAULT! and I AM ON MY WAY!" I seethe. I realize...I didn't grab my camera and I didnt even attempt to transport the cake...although I know I have nothing to transport it in. and might I add that the cake looks beautiful. I am not sure how I am going to maintain composure at this point. we arrive and run into Jerry's mom who fortunately chats with me for a few minutes enabling me to calm the fuck down. we all pretend that nothing happened. except for my sister who says..."you fucked up, bitch. mom says you told her to come here." I glare at her through slitted eyes and respond..."I did NOT." we eat. they play. Peepers is sweet and smiley. I relax. I tell everyone...are we ready to go back to the house for cake? to which my dad responds...."I can't. I have a hair appointment." I lose my mind all over again. after 10 minutes worth of pleading, pouting and finally ignoring...he concedes to come back to the house for about 5 minutes to sing Happy Birthday. you see now why I wanted to do the cake FIRST? now I ask you....WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?! my dad asks Cristian...."Cris, is it okay if I go get a haircut or should I go to your house for cake?" and JERRY responds..."no. you can go get your haircut." and Cristian says..."you better ask my mom." we arrive at the house. Jerry whispers in my ear that he has an idea. we should push Cristians face into the cake. I say no. light the candles. sing Happy Birthday. Peepers starts crying. Jerry pulls a candle out and starts licking it and dipping it back into the sprinkles. I grab the candle. and slowly begin to lose my mind one last time. finally everyone has finished their cake. and Roy declares that it is time for Jerry to go home. the phone is ringing. Peepers is crying. Fizzgig runs in. the boys run through. Fizzgig runs out. the boys run out. the boys run in. the boys run out. Peepers is still crying. I am going numb all over. I get everyone out of the house and I am left alone with Peepers who by this time, is PISSED OFF. he screams while I undress him. he screams while I bathe him. he chokes a little from screaming. he screams while I dry him. he screams while I dress him. he chokes again from screaming. he screams while I make his bottle. I collapse on the couch. insert bottle into Peepers screaming mouth. by the time he finishes his bottle, my stomach is doing flip flops. I have made myself sick. luckily, Cristian had a great birthday despite everything that I endured. he got tons of loot and I smooched on him all day. he went to bed quite happy and content. on my floor. The Fucking End.